1st Round of Newness

As long as my baby prepping "to do" list was, I am proud to say that I have gotten through most of it :)  All thats left is my filing cabinet, "decorate" my bedroom with pics/art/something, and get my birth kit stuff together.  A clean house feels damn good I have to say!  And yesterday I saged my home, said a prayer, and cleared the energy for the newbie to come.

With that said, tomorrow school is back in session.  Our family is going through ALOT of new adjustments this summer: G1 starts middle school WITH uniforms (ugggg...we no like), G2 starts kindergarten and has G1's teacher :) and G3 and I get to spend the month of august together everyday of the week (this is a first I think so I am excited).  It is gonna be QUITE the juggle with new school start/end times, all of which are not the same between the 2 schools, but im glad they will have some brain stimulating fun because I was hardly able this summer with pregnancy.  So while they are learning, im gonna be finishing prep for the baby Yahweh willing: finishing his quilt, finding names, prepping birth space, freezing meals, and telling him to stay in until September please lol.

Mission RN: COMPLETE

January 26, 2010 I officially became an RN: passing the NCLEX! As much as I stressed during nursing school for fear of not passing over and over again, I walked away from the exam feeling relieved, confident, and surprising not shook at all. I couldn't explain it all, but it felt damn good. I spend the day with my family: the girls and I put our feet in the jacuzzi in the beautiful sunshine and the hubby and I cuddled later that night (get ya mind out the gutter I mean that literally ;) I have spent the entire week basking in the excitement and the surreality of it all.

Now that nursing school is in my past, I have so much to look forward to in the near future. I have to admit my soul is extremely eager for many reasons. With the earthquake hitting Aiyti I immediately wanted to go there to help all the mommas and babies in need, but I think I let my fear hold me back. Its easy to use your family life as a reason you cant do something. But as I sit and meditate on it I realize that I do this a lot. It lets me put the blame on others instead of facing the reality that sometimes let fear of failure prevent me from being successful and make change.

I am a RN now and of course I only want to working in maternal/child health, but amazingly RN jobs are scarce for new grads ESPECIALLY specialties. Seeing the constant "EXPERIENCED" or "SORRY CANT ACCOMMODATE NEW GRADS RIGHT NOW" is more than frustrating when you have mouths to feed, children needing clothes to stay warm, and bills up the wazoo. I didn't become a nurse for the money, but a job would be very nice right about now. My aunt sent an amazing and simple response to my pessimistic approach to job hunting, "God has not brought u this far to leave you. He has a plan for u that's not based on the economy r your new grad status. you did your part so let Him do His and accept His timing." That knocked me right back into reality and its nothing but the truth! I am blessed to be home with my babies, cooking for them, reading books to them, hearing the stories about their day, watching them smile and laugh, seeing my 1yr old take her first strides in walking...all the things I was unable to do just 2months ago. So now I pray and wait on Yahweh...well at least reminding myself because the control freak in me is chompin at the bit.

Yahweh I am asking for the guidance of all the powerful and amazing women that came before me to help me be the best that I can be as a nurse: Mary Eliza Mahoney, Maya Angelou, Angela Davis, India Arie, my great great grandmother a midwife.

Get Back Up Again

Lately school and the people of it have me seriously doubting myself and my abilities. A nervous break down might be near. Thinking back to day 1 of the nursing program just a year ago, I was such a different person then. Different in the sense that I was confident in the direction I was going and what I was called to do. Somewhere in the process of having my 3rd child during block 1, just passing block 2, and constantly being reminded that Im not Joe College anymore, I lost a part of me. I have been allowing everyone else to tell me what THEY think I should do, if I will succeed, and will I make it. The creator is so great...tonight I heard a song that spoke to my heart, I almost cried it hit so deep. I had to share the song...I'm still standing by Monica:

Cipher in ICU

Today was a good day. I learned more about myself and I am thankful for the blessing. I had my first patient pass away today and it brought along many mixed feelings. This woman died really quickly from cancer that metastisized to her abdomen. She was my patient yesterday and NEVER in a million years would I have thought she would turn around in less than 24hours. Interestingly enough, I had a vision or dream if you will about this woman. Something told me she was gonna get worse. Intuition right? I always remember my mentor midwives talking about this intuition and I really think I have that within me. I get it all the time with many things.

She was so uncomfortable...you could see the drift in her eyes. Struggling to breathe, gasping for air, a cloudiness to her eyes, you could tell she was doing everything in her power to hold on for her family. But then she took her final breathe and it was like I saw my nephew passing all over again. Everything resurfaced...all the emotions, all the doubt, all the hurt. But I knew she was finally at peace and could rest. I felt her families pain and wanted to give them my heart.

Death is never easy but it is a part of life...the cipher that keeps life going and I except it. Today she reminded me of the kind of nurse that I want to be. She will forever be in my heart and mind. RIP

Owed to Self

With ever lab practicum comes more fear, anxiety, and nervousness about the job ahead of me as a nurse. In less than 5months, peoples lives are going to be in my hands literally. And unfortunately, due to the medical hierarchy, a nurse will be held accountable before a doctor when there is error and that is scary in itself. With that said, am I up for the challenge? Not only do I owe it to my future patients, I owe it to myself to do what it takes to feel prepared and competent for the job. In reality, that is much easier said than done when you have 3 young ones and a husband at home. But nobody is really gonna give a shit when you have a patient screaming they cant breathe or going into shock my clock and I don't know what to do right? So slacking and making excuses is not an option. I have 2 more days till my Block 3 final and I want it over more than ANYTHING! But I have also vowed to myself to review at least 2hrs/day while on my 2wk break to better prepare myself for Block 4: psych & critical care YIKES & YUCK! But I have to be on my toes and I dont want to be embarrassed period! This will make me a better nurse over all, especially since I dont know what area I will work in thanks to this horrible economy.

Low Down

In life we learn many lessons, all of which come from both good and bad experiences. My nursing student career has been the foundation of mine lately. As I wind down to my last day of clinicals for block 3, I continue to realize just how much I hate med/surg. There is a drastic difference between nursing in school and the reality of what the trenches bring you and I had a nurse yesterday that reminded me of this within 15min of being on the floor. Nursing takes a special kind of person to clean up after a grown mans poop, emesis, or whatever else presents that day. I know for sure that moms and babies is the road for me without a doubt. So for now I have to suffer through this learning experience and take it all in - the good and the bad right?

In our current economy, the future looks a little brisk to me. Am I being realistic in thinking that I can find an L&D job right after graduation? Im not so sure becuase I dont see much out there for new grads. So I am praying on a miracle at this point. I cannot believe I only have one more block and then I graduate. The scary part is that teachers say this is the block most fail :O I'll be damned if I come that far to fail the last block! Failure is not an option at this point, so put all those prayers out for me please.

L&D: Testiment of the wills

Finally, I have processed and evaluated my feelings about clinical day 2 in OB after being frustrated and pissed all in one. I woke up already feeling some kind of way, thinking something was not gonna be quite right. But I was so excited to start the day as I love being around mommas and babies. I think its the best job ever!

In a nut shell, my shadowing nurse was shitty in my opinion - plain and simple! If asked how pissed I was on a scale of 1-10, I would say a 20! I could go on forever complaining, but long story short...she was there to collect a check and sit on her tail all day. As a result, I paid the price and lost 12 hours of learning what I love to do. I told her I want to go into L&D and would appreciate learning everything there is to know. She nodded her head and sat right back down. She sent me to lunch while the mom was 10cm ready to push because the other nurses wanted to eat first, "so we will have her push when they get back" is what she told me. When I returned 30min later they had ruptured her membranes to find thick meconium present. Hmmm, I wonder why?! :O Ughh the pistivity is just rising right now as I think about it. Complaining gets us know where, so instead I choose to reflect on what I have learned about myself and my expectations.

1. I will never be the kind of nurse that pushes interventions for my convenience
2. I will always be attentive to my moms needs
3. I will encourage noninvasive interventions whenever possible
4. I will never forget what it feels like to be a student
5. I will always be a teacher to students because they are the future care takers
6. I CANNOT work in a hospital where normal signs of labor are unforseen: walking the hallway or moans during contractions
7. I need support of the hospital for normal birth when possible
8. Birth is natural never forget that

Designer Deliveries

As I embark into obstetrics in nursing school, my first assignment is to write a paper on "Designer Deliveries: what is the cost?" I have been having the most difficult time getting this simple 4pg paper started probably due to my own personal feelings about it all. My desire is to present the information in an unbiased way. But how do you do that without letting your feelings get in the way? Thats probably the daily challenge of journalist right?

The slightest bits of information discussed in class so far have already begun to seperate me from the masses of thinkers who believe in intervention, Dr.'s are the end all, and that families should never ask questions nor do they have options. Elective cesareans seem to be on the rise, along with medical interventions. I wish that women would understand the beauty of birth, the spiritual connection, and what they are missing by choosing to have a c-section. There are risks involved both small and large, all of which you never know which one will happen to you. Empowerment is worth gold.

Way of Rebellion

This blog was originally started so I could shout out my utter disgust for the job I was doing at that time without having to worry about getting fired for the things I was really thinking. As time passed, jobs changed, and now school being my job the blog is serving a more positive and reflective purpose.

During my very short break I had the opportunity to go back to California and collect myself. There is nothing like ocean breeze and fresh air to get your head back on straight. Now I am back home in the desert and I hope to bring that same serenity with me throughout the next semester...Block 3 :) I am VERY excited about the 3rd block because its focus is OB/Peds. The syllabus readings are no joke, but there is nothing better than going to school for something you love learning about.

THE CHALLENGE...how do I find balance in my naturalistic views and approach to pregnancy/birthing amongst a group of nay sayers intent on the medical model being the only answer for SAFETY because after all, "anything can happen in birth." At least that is the picture that is painted. There is a saying, "if you can beatem, joinem" This is definitely not gonna be my mantra BUT it will help me hone in my revoluntionary thoughts in class. Its often best to pick your battles right? My goal this semester is to fully absorb all that they share with an open mind so that I understand how to care for a mother in the most severe conditions, knowing that pregnancy is not a sickness. I am there to learn but also to share insight that they may not have on alternative methods as well.

THE FOCUS...organization, steadfastness, diligence, and love.