Shhhhh...

Just reading my most recent post, I'm like "DAMN I'm a good writer" lol.  I don't normally toot my own horn but geeze!  Its amazing how life takes little turns especially when you pray on it.  When we state our intentions or desires leaving it up the Creator to manifest is just awesome.

I haven't shared with many because I guess I'm secretly on a huge mission. I can't think of time that I just jumped into something, feeling a bit unsettled about the whole idea, but something in me just says "ehhh what the hell, what have to got to lose?"  Here I am, a licensed RN, applying for jobs since December and STILL nothing!  At times I feel like subconsciously I really don't want that life right now and maybe that is the reason why.  Also, it feels like my son needs me greatly - his attachment to me is strong and i love it.  All I want to do is cuddle him up and kiss on him, something I would be unable to do  working 12+hr shifts in the hospital at night.  But I also feel like now its time to start pulling away umbilical cord a little bit too.

I have applied for grad school to become a nurse-midwife and am now waiting on the answer.  Honestly, inside I'm not worried about the yes or no...I would be fine either way.  I am nervous about the thought of being a midwife or at least on the path.  This is a true testament to leadership and autonomy - life in your hands and your decisions.  I just pray that Yahweh continues to use me as the vessel to bring better birth outcomes into the world against any obstacles I might face.  More updates to come

Why am I Here?

Just finished watching my recorded episode of oprah's life class from Friday. I had so many aha moments and fill in the blank questions. Now I'm lying in bed asking Yahweh, what's my purpose? Why did You send me here? When will I know what to do?

I've always invisioned myself doing great things but don't think I'm there yet or even have the slightest idea how to get there. Tonight oprah said "don't focus on what you don't have...start small and just be thankful for your breath." This completely hit home because every day I pray and say thank you for the air I breathe, healthy body, and to have all my senses.  Listening to the show I realized how much I complain daily although I've always thought I don't need or ask for much. I complain when I feel things are out of my control and I don't know what the next moment will bring. She helped me see you can't increase joy in your life when you suffocate it with woe is me or I wish I had...

Now as I watch my life play like a movie real this is what I see...

...I remember when I saw my aunt breastfeed as a child and wonder wow women do that? So that's what these are for?
...watching my cousin give birth to her daughter when I was 18 because she knew I wanted to be an obgyn
...finding out I was pregnant with my 1st daughter and deciding in that moment exactly how my birth would be
...deciding to become a doula while pregnant after running into this girl in college
...advocating for myself and fighting against my midwife at 22yo to deliver my baby vaginally breech
...having my 1st homebirth after 3 days of labor, no pain at all, my midwife not make the birth (bc I dilate so fast) and have MY doula catch the baby
...catching MY first baby by accident as a doula because the midwife didn't trust my instinct
...finding out my great great great grandmother was a midwife in louisiana
...my midwife miss the birth of my 4th child and her assist catch the baby

Oprah said angels come in all forms and everybody has one. My question for my life is have I had many or am I meant to be an angel to those that have been in my movie? I believe midwifery is my calling but I want to learn how to really open my life to accept it and bring it into existence. But in order to do that I must first learn to LET GO...AHAAAAAA

To Finding your Calling

Purpose gives our life meaning. When you discover your purpose, you can live your life with intention and make choices that serve your objective for why you are here on the planet. Finding your purpose is not always easy. You must embrace life wholeheartedly, explore many different pathways, and allow yourself to grow. Your purpose is as unique as you are and will evolve as you move through life. You don’t need anyone’s permission to fulfill your purpose, and no one can tell you what that purpose is. Finding and fulfilling your purpose can be a lifelong endeavor. To figure out what your purpose is, ask yourself what drives you – not what forces you out of bed in the morning, but what makes you glad to be alive. Make a list of activities that you wish you were involved in or think about a career path that you would love to embark upon. These are the endeavors that can help you fulfill your purpose and bring you the most satisfaction.

Picture yourself working on projects that don’t interest you or fulfill your purpose, yet they help satisfy your basic survival needs. Imagine how living this way each day would make you feel. Next, picture yourself devoting your time to projects that spark your imagination, inspire, excite, and satisfy you. More often than not, these activities are some of the ways that you can fulfill your life purpose. Time spent on these endeavors will never feel like a waste. Live your life with purpose, and you will feel significant and capable because every action you take and each choice you make will have meaning to it.

~Daily OM