Shhhhh...

Just reading my most recent post, I'm like "DAMN I'm a good writer" lol.  I don't normally toot my own horn but geeze!  Its amazing how life takes little turns especially when you pray on it.  When we state our intentions or desires leaving it up the Creator to manifest is just awesome.

I haven't shared with many because I guess I'm secretly on a huge mission. I can't think of time that I just jumped into something, feeling a bit unsettled about the whole idea, but something in me just says "ehhh what the hell, what have to got to lose?"  Here I am, a licensed RN, applying for jobs since December and STILL nothing!  At times I feel like subconsciously I really don't want that life right now and maybe that is the reason why.  Also, it feels like my son needs me greatly - his attachment to me is strong and i love it.  All I want to do is cuddle him up and kiss on him, something I would be unable to do  working 12+hr shifts in the hospital at night.  But I also feel like now its time to start pulling away umbilical cord a little bit too.

I have applied for grad school to become a nurse-midwife and am now waiting on the answer.  Honestly, inside I'm not worried about the yes or no...I would be fine either way.  I am nervous about the thought of being a midwife or at least on the path.  This is a true testament to leadership and autonomy - life in your hands and your decisions.  I just pray that Yahweh continues to use me as the vessel to bring better birth outcomes into the world against any obstacles I might face.  More updates to come

Can't Help Myself

Ok, since my life in this current space in time consists of nothing but taking in mounds of book knowledge, I have given myself just a few minutes to blog. The simplest way to say it is that nursing school has my head all discombobilated (sp?). See! I am not even sure if that is how you spell that but you get the jist. Over the last few weeks I have been bombarded with pure signs of my faky fakerson, early dementia antics. Here are just a few:

1. My family kept noticing the irritating swarm of knats in my house for days only for me to FINALLY find the culprit...I forgot to clean my juicer out at least a month ago!! :O In my hubbies efforts to clean the kitchen he pushed the darn thing out of site (taking away my visual reminder to take care of that) and I found a crusty, moldy, knat feast!! It was over before it started!! I was 5seconds away from throwing it away until my conscious reminded me how much it cost and I just had to take the plunge and clean it.

2. I continue to make and break plans with people which has never been my ammo

3. My house is in complete disarray and its suffocating me

4. The biggest one of them all...I literally put my Palm 755p in the damn washer while in a rush to head home and lighten my moms load at the same time since she helps me with my girls. Needless to say, its dead and I suffered the wrath.

How do I get myself out of the memory lapse mess? Everyday I wake up with good intentions, but fail miserably. The healing process began with admitting you have a problem - which I did. I admitted to my hardest critic...the hubby. I told him "when you see me doing to much, please remind me to slow down" so thats my plan slow down, pace myself, and just remind myself that its almost over - I am half way there.

There will be days like this

Nobody said nursing school would cause this much caos and disorganization, or did they? Reflecting on my nursing school orientation, I have a slim recollection of a teacher saying that nursing school would not be easy for me or my family. She even made up a song for it sampling Destiny Childs "I'm a survivor". With all this said, why am I really starting to feel the pain. Last block was primarily focused on juggling school and pregnancy - thats it, thats all I could wrap my brain around.

However, this block has surfaced a brand new demon. Now I am learning to juggle school, husband, 2 growing daughters, a newborn daughter, AND pumping on a regular to make sure she has enough milk for my 12hr clinical days. The 12hr clinicals aren't half as bad as i anticipated, in fact they are a breath of fresh air from the 2day 8hrs we had last block. At least I get it over with and have 4 days to study and spend time snuggling with my shnookums ;) Anyone who has known me forever knows just how organized and neat I am. Well damn! You sure cant tell this semester. I still have yet to organize my binder/notes, let alone my humble abode. With the new edition to the family, this place is simply too damn small for a family of 5 which can be seen every time we clean it and it returns to mayhem within a day. Is it too much to ask for a clean, yin/yang, feng shui home when you finish your day?! It makes me sick to the core, but its out of hand now and I dont know where to begin.

Although I am bombarded with information, this block presents very informative information on all the body system disorders. But I cannot WAIT for the day that i can focus on what I love...birthing, pregnancy, infants, etc. If I can get through this semester, it will be on and crackin! Nursing aint easy in the academia of it all, but caring for someone is, NOTE TO SELF!

The Game

After a decent nights rest, although still very tired, I am up at it again. Ready to take on the material for test #2 tomorrow. As I prepare for my study group this morning I am meditating on how to be successful. Its easy to be hard on yourself and feel overwhelmed when you have so much at stake. After all this win is not just for me, its for my family.

I believe the best way to succeed is to view the obstacle as a Game. Not focusing on whether you win or lose, but rather on the fact that you are in it and ready to absorb the experience. Experience in life is worth gold because it adds to your wisdom and understanding. That is true success...being able to share that experience through stories.

So although I may not be at the top of my class, I am blessed because I am still in the game and fighting with all that I have on my plate. My struggle is unique to me and thats what makes it so much more rewarding. Tomorrow success comes in the form of being present, able, and willing to keep pressing on. Keep pushin as my instructor said last semester.

Starvation

It 10pm Saturday night and what am I doing? Studying for Exam #2 :( While most normal people are out painting the town red, laughing, smiling, dancing, drinking, and simply enjoying life, I have been cooped up in my tiny condo for the past 3 days studying for this test. I am starving literally! I am malnourished in the areas of communication, love, conversation, social endeavors...simply put - I need to get a life for at least a moment in time! I feel a bit closterphobic, but the only thing that keeps me going is that I didnt do well on the first exam and my life for block 2 depends on all future exam greatness. This is a horrible place to be because it causes stress, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. I keep asking myself how in the hell did i get here? You know the place in time when you feel like you will never get done, never cover all the information, let alone retain any of it?! yes thats me.

I had to take a small break to gather my thoughts and get me pumped again to get back at the books tonight. Its late, I wanna retire to the bed or watch a good movie. But that simply aint gonna happen. All I can seem to do right now is pray that my cranky be lately infant will sleep throughout the night tonight because I will be needed much rest before my study group practice test in the morning.

Starvation is not good - it leads to malabsorption, disease and death. So you best believe come Monday night I plans to get me some much needed and desired food...first on the list is a good movie and glass of wine :)