To Finding your Calling

Purpose gives our life meaning. When you discover your purpose, you can live your life with intention and make choices that serve your objective for why you are here on the planet. Finding your purpose is not always easy. You must embrace life wholeheartedly, explore many different pathways, and allow yourself to grow. Your purpose is as unique as you are and will evolve as you move through life. You don’t need anyone’s permission to fulfill your purpose, and no one can tell you what that purpose is. Finding and fulfilling your purpose can be a lifelong endeavor. To figure out what your purpose is, ask yourself what drives you – not what forces you out of bed in the morning, but what makes you glad to be alive. Make a list of activities that you wish you were involved in or think about a career path that you would love to embark upon. These are the endeavors that can help you fulfill your purpose and bring you the most satisfaction.

Picture yourself working on projects that don’t interest you or fulfill your purpose, yet they help satisfy your basic survival needs. Imagine how living this way each day would make you feel. Next, picture yourself devoting your time to projects that spark your imagination, inspire, excite, and satisfy you. More often than not, these activities are some of the ways that you can fulfill your life purpose. Time spent on these endeavors will never feel like a waste. Live your life with purpose, and you will feel significant and capable because every action you take and each choice you make will have meaning to it.

~Daily OM

Dignity

Amidst everything that has been going on in my life lately, I have been trying my hardest to stay positive.  However, it still amazes me how the smallest thing can make you feel like the gum on the bottom of a shoe.  Today I had my follow up appointment with the OB and she said I need to take probiotics to get my vaginal house in order.  I explained to her that I am fully aware of that but simply cannot afford it.  She looks at me for a minute and says "well they aren't that expensive."  I can't think of the words to describe how I felt in that moment, but what immediately comes to mind is: crap, shit, statistic, poor, ashamed, hurt, broken, angry, and embarrassed.  I mean I am a 33yo mother, of soon to be 4 children, nurse, college grad, and yet I am in no position to provide for my family!!  Trying to save face I found myself once again recapping this whole medical leave debacle and how NOW there is only one income.  But what I really wanted to say was "that's easy to say for a working physician and tell that to my children who barely have food to eat or clothes on their backs these days!" 

Of course my situation is not her fault by any means, but the problem lies in the fact that so many health providers simply don't consider or can't understand the struggle that many women of color face day to day.  She was kind enough to provide the probiotics for me today, however, that followed up with "we will send you a bill for it in the mail".  Sure, go ahead and I will just add it to all of the others that continue to come in that I cannot pay.  Just 2 months ago, I lived a comfortable life - able to pay my bills, meet my childrens' needs, living within our means.  And in the blink of an eye, someone was able to steal that away from me.  Now I am pushed into a corner, living as a statistic having to consider government assistance and food boxes just so we can eat, not to mention how we will pay bills. 

Perfect Job

If I could cultivate my perfect job it would include the following:

1. Im the boss
2. Creative, cultural, open, free work space
3. Working with mamas and babies all day
4. Able to have my little ones with me
5. Daily breakfast circles, lunch by a chef, followed by a massage

Imma Boss?

Being in a major recession, suddenly losing my steady income, and wondering what's next, really makes me wanna just do something spontaneous. Maybe just get my passport, hop on a plane to Brazil or Senegal to learn how others live life in peace with a smile on their faces with little of nothing. I was by no means well off, hell I've always lived pay-check to pay-check, but I never liked that feeling. Leaving my life in the fait of someone else's hand is often times not worth the steady paycheck, and I am now being reminded of this very thought daily.

In my attempt to step into the entrepreneurial waters, I am struggling greatly to find a creative unique itsjustme name for the business. I plan to offer mama/baby care in whatever form the mama needs after she has her baby in a nutshell. Some might say, "well isnt that just what a doula does?" Ummmmm yeh I guess so LOL. But I am doula, childbirth and breastfeeding educator, mama of 3, registered nurse, and wife of 14 years; so I want to use ALL of that and educator other mamas in a more rounded fashion. Plus, a sista needs money, I mean lets be honest lol. So if you have some names, holla at me ;)

Let Go, Let Yahweh

Why is "let go, let Yahweh" such an easy statment to say, but 1o times harder to actually DO? I mean how does one really do this while still maintaining your option to choose in life? I've have prayed and prayed for answers, but either I dont hear the answer or am ignorning it because Im afraid of the result. Tomorrow some sort of decision will be made because i cant take the constant obsessing over one small part of my life. I have SO much more ponder on and that which brings me so much joy.

Conscious: Ok, child who are you fooling? I mean if you know this why haven't you just made a choice?!

Self: Because damn it, Im scared! What if I make the wrong choice? I hate to be wrong? I like to be in control of it all.

Conscious: If you truely want direction you have to just let life happen and worry about the rest later

Self: tomorrow is the day

Around the Corner

So I'm on a new journey. With all the changes happening in my life right now which are apparently Yahweh's will, I am pushing myself to step out of my "box". Yep my box! If I haven't said it before, I am a go by the rule book, investigate every possibility, there is only one way type of woman. Always have been, but as a girlfriend/midwife of mine pointed out to me one day "birth just aint that way, so you gone have to change that". So I am taking a slow leap towards something special and every time I think of letting it go, I remember those words. OH, and a few others:

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself

You are your own worst critic

We often succeed our way up by our failures

You never know until you've tried

We fall down, but we get up

Stay tuned and pray for me lol!

Learning

Became an RN...check
Got a f/t nursing job with benefits...check
Got a "nanny"...check

With all of these accomplishments, I am feeling outside my body lately. A surge of emotions has me unsure of myself and questioning the importance of it all. Other nurses tell me that its normal and it will pass. The first year sucks they say. While I am feeling a tad bit more confident in my bed side manner, managing the daily task at hand seems unreachable right now. I know my weeknesses and boy they are yelling out to me these days. But my prayer is that I will not run from them, but instead face them head on to get better.

My new job!

Phoenix Baptist: Med/Surg Women's Health :-)