Shhhhh...

Just reading my most recent post, I'm like "DAMN I'm a good writer" lol.  I don't normally toot my own horn but geeze!  Its amazing how life takes little turns especially when you pray on it.  When we state our intentions or desires leaving it up the Creator to manifest is just awesome.

I haven't shared with many because I guess I'm secretly on a huge mission. I can't think of time that I just jumped into something, feeling a bit unsettled about the whole idea, but something in me just says "ehhh what the hell, what have to got to lose?"  Here I am, a licensed RN, applying for jobs since December and STILL nothing!  At times I feel like subconsciously I really don't want that life right now and maybe that is the reason why.  Also, it feels like my son needs me greatly - his attachment to me is strong and i love it.  All I want to do is cuddle him up and kiss on him, something I would be unable to do  working 12+hr shifts in the hospital at night.  But I also feel like now its time to start pulling away umbilical cord a little bit too.

I have applied for grad school to become a nurse-midwife and am now waiting on the answer.  Honestly, inside I'm not worried about the yes or no...I would be fine either way.  I am nervous about the thought of being a midwife or at least on the path.  This is a true testament to leadership and autonomy - life in your hands and your decisions.  I just pray that Yahweh continues to use me as the vessel to bring better birth outcomes into the world against any obstacles I might face.  More updates to come

Knife & Fork

Midwifery doesn't just come to you when you want it.  It "calls" you when you are ready to sample what it will soon offer.  But like any good tasting meal, you must start at the beginning before you reach the final part.  For me, I feel like I've gotten past the appetizer and the first course; but, now Im stuck somewhere in between like when you need to order but can't seem to make up your mind on what you want eat.  Going back and forth with my current place in life, Im beginning to understand.  After all my prayers, I think Yahweh is telling me Im not quite ready yet.  Though my heart is in it, my soul and spirit are not ready to take on the life and death of two others right now.  Im way to smoothered by my own unhappiness.  And like birth, you have to have a clear mind, body, and spirit before you can continuously give to others in such a sacred space.  So I pray, "Yahweh please grant me the ability to understand the path that I should take, give me the courage to make the choices that bring me peace, help me eliminate the fear in my life so I can allow my success to come in instead.  I want the 3rd course and even the desert, but I want it to come when my stomach is ready to except fullness and my pallate ready to taste the full bold flavors it has.

As you walk towards midwifery, or life for that matter, walk with your heart open, your hands free, and your soul unchained.  That is how you live life and not just exist in it.

Why am I Here?

Just finished watching my recorded episode of oprah's life class from Friday. I had so many aha moments and fill in the blank questions. Now I'm lying in bed asking Yahweh, what's my purpose? Why did You send me here? When will I know what to do?

I've always invisioned myself doing great things but don't think I'm there yet or even have the slightest idea how to get there. Tonight oprah said "don't focus on what you don't have...start small and just be thankful for your breath." This completely hit home because every day I pray and say thank you for the air I breathe, healthy body, and to have all my senses.  Listening to the show I realized how much I complain daily although I've always thought I don't need or ask for much. I complain when I feel things are out of my control and I don't know what the next moment will bring. She helped me see you can't increase joy in your life when you suffocate it with woe is me or I wish I had...

Now as I watch my life play like a movie real this is what I see...

...I remember when I saw my aunt breastfeed as a child and wonder wow women do that? So that's what these are for?
...watching my cousin give birth to her daughter when I was 18 because she knew I wanted to be an obgyn
...finding out I was pregnant with my 1st daughter and deciding in that moment exactly how my birth would be
...deciding to become a doula while pregnant after running into this girl in college
...advocating for myself and fighting against my midwife at 22yo to deliver my baby vaginally breech
...having my 1st homebirth after 3 days of labor, no pain at all, my midwife not make the birth (bc I dilate so fast) and have MY doula catch the baby
...catching MY first baby by accident as a doula because the midwife didn't trust my instinct
...finding out my great great great grandmother was a midwife in louisiana
...my midwife miss the birth of my 4th child and her assist catch the baby

Oprah said angels come in all forms and everybody has one. My question for my life is have I had many or am I meant to be an angel to those that have been in my movie? I believe midwifery is my calling but I want to learn how to really open my life to accept it and bring it into existence. But in order to do that I must first learn to LET GO...AHAAAAAA