Have you ever had a recurring dream, same theme? What does that mean? I know dreams are dreams, but I believe they have some very strong meaning. I just wish I had the understanding to figure this puzzle out. There is a strong desire within. Any dream interpreters out there?
December 16, 2012
October 22, 2012
Random vent
Just gonna blurt out things that come to mind to release the monkey off my back:
Sick and tired, why me?, winning the lotto would make life easier but I don't play because the odds are not in my favor, sleepy, exhausted, not enough time in the day, wanna quit, wanna cry, this program, these folks, this system...all odds against my success, what's my talent, need guidance, spiritually lost and thristy, down in the delta movie, call the midwife movie, black midwives, granny midwives, their voice, my path, no support, failure, doubts, fears, am I good enough, need a bigger house, my children deserve the world, penny scarpping, get it together NOW
May 30, 2012
Shhhhh...
I haven't shared with many because I guess I'm secretly on a huge mission. I can't think of time that I just jumped into something, feeling a bit unsettled about the whole idea, but something in me just says "ehhh what the hell, what have to got to lose?" Here I am, a licensed RN, applying for jobs since December and STILL nothing! At times I feel like subconsciously I really don't want that life right now and maybe that is the reason why. Also, it feels like my son needs me greatly - his attachment to me is strong and i love it. All I want to do is cuddle him up and kiss on him, something I would be unable to do working 12+hr shifts in the hospital at night. But I also feel like now its time to start pulling away umbilical cord a little bit too.
I have applied for grad school to become a nurse-midwife and am now waiting on the answer. Honestly, inside I'm not worried about the yes or no...I would be fine either way. I am nervous about the thought of being a midwife or at least on the path. This is a true testament to leadership and autonomy - life in your hands and your decisions. I just pray that Yahweh continues to use me as the vessel to bring better birth outcomes into the world against any obstacles I might face. More updates to come
March 10, 2012
Knife & Fork
As you walk towards midwifery, or life for that matter, walk with your heart open, your hands free, and your soul unchained. That is how you live life and not just exist in it.
January 22, 2012
They say misery loves company and lately I think this was written just for me. I sometimes hate the person I've become. I often sit and remember how I was as a young woman...outgoing, laughing, driven, and at times uninhibited. But over the years I feel I've lost my way and allowed my presence to be choked by lifes obsticles. As women we try to deny the voices in our heads for the sake of others. But at the end of the day, the fault is ours. We have to be the captain of our own ship and not let others hold the stearing wheel. I recognize my misery and must apologize to those who have suffered at the edge of my sword. There is no excuse for my actions...there is no joy in hurting others.
I'm still on the path to getting better and finding true peace. I pray for the courage to jump in and/or off. This year is about learning how to live.