Feeding my Brain

While today I am childless for a brief moment (thanks to my amazing mother) I've decided to actually learn to take care of myself and not feel guilty.  I woke up at my leisure (8am lol but hey that's a start for a mother of 3), went to the jacuzzi even though its already like 100 degrees to try and heal my back situation.  I think I only lasted like 10 minutes because the water was scalding lol.  I then sat poolside reading my new summer book Straight talk, no chaser by Steve Harvey!  I honestly cant remember the last time I read a book for pleasure and I love to read.  Since I am in a space of renewal and searching, what better way to do that than to read a book on how to make my marriage better?  A few years ago, I decided to read He's Just Not that Into You while I was going through some things and boyyyyy did it speak to me.  So when Steve came out with his version i was very intrigued to read it...I mean a book from a brotha to a sista essentially...its a must read right?  I am already about 13 pages into it and its is a easy read, constant page turner, you don't want to put it down.  The truth is men and women really are different and the more we realize and except that, stop trying to change each other, the better off our relationships can be.  I will keep you posted on the read, but in the mean time I am enjoying my breakfast - greek yogurt with blueberries and granola with a croissant and sesame nut butter with a cup of candy cane tea, lemon and honey, all while listening to Fela Kuti.  Perfect start to a great day.

Let Go, Let Yahweh

Why is "let go, let Yahweh" such an easy statment to say, but 1o times harder to actually DO? I mean how does one really do this while still maintaining your option to choose in life? I've have prayed and prayed for answers, but either I dont hear the answer or am ignorning it because Im afraid of the result. Tomorrow some sort of decision will be made because i cant take the constant obsessing over one small part of my life. I have SO much more ponder on and that which brings me so much joy.

Conscious: Ok, child who are you fooling? I mean if you know this why haven't you just made a choice?!

Self: Because damn it, Im scared! What if I make the wrong choice? I hate to be wrong? I like to be in control of it all.

Conscious: If you truely want direction you have to just let life happen and worry about the rest later

Self: tomorrow is the day

On pause...

Wooo sahhhh!! I feel like a quiet gentle storm has been hovering over me for quiet some time now and its throwing off my balance, chi, axe, feng shui, all dat. I'm finding myself making commitments I can't keep, being inconsistent, and down right lazy. For months my focus has been on finding a nursing job in the hospital so I can become more confident in my abilities as a nurse. With one last hope in the basket, I think I will surrender my flag and move on to the next plan if it does not hatch. I mean I can't for the life of me understand WHY Yahweh has not blessed me with a job yet?! Well I have a part time job teaching pregnant teens about birth and pregnancy, so maybe im over looking the blessing?

Whatever the reasons, its all got me on serious pause. I need to find my way back to serenity, Tranquil T. I am still trying to find out what it will take but on the forefront nothing in the desert seems to be standing out. I dont think I have ever actually put myself on hiatus because its not in my character, but that has darn sure changed. Hibernation, hiding, thats me and it feels damn good. So now I am listening, waiting, feeling for the direction so that I can exhale again.

25 Random Things About Me...

Ok so people who know me KNOW that I absolutely love this getting to know you kind of tests. So with that said, here i go, first one for 2009...

1. I first tried thievery as a profession around the age of 8 when my mother clearly ignored my request for a watermelon lip gloss that was calling my name. Come on 80's babies, you know the lip gloss that came in a rectangular silver tin that you slide open??? I had to have it and when she said NO I snuck it into my pocket only to get busted about 2hrs later when moms did her random "Im bout to wash clothes so I need to clean out your jacket pocket" evaluation. I decided to retire the profession when she made me walk back to the store, return it, and get chewed out by the entire Thrifty's staff.

2. I learned Italian in 6th grade, but quit as usual

3. I hate wearing shoes

4. Maybe #4 is a direct result of my being born breech with both feet planted on the ground

5. I have 2 dimples just above my pelvic inlets on my back AND my oldest daughter has the exact same trait!

6. I used to make porcelain dolls from scratch in the 9th grade and they were the BOMB! I could sell them, no lie

7. I have never touched my lips to any form of a cancer stick (cigarettes, doobies, blunts, NADA)

8. I have a huge fear of success which hinders me in many ways

9. My paternal great great grandmother was a midwife in LA, so I believe I have been called into midwifery genetically :)

10. I love PB&J...I'll eat it every day

11. I was the 1st Place winner in the Young Entrepreneurs Program at UC Berkeley in 2004...I had to create a real business and business plan...hey it was called Black Diamond Dolls for the porcelain dolls i used to make.

12. I went to the following concerts with pure excitement as a teenager: George Michael (with Sara) and Milli Vanilli with Young MC

13. I can crochet

14. I am envious of naturally creative people...I aspire to be like them (i.e. Angelica & Resi)

15. I went by the following nicknames growing up: Tortia, TT, chiapet, Joe College...wait there are 2 special people that still call me Joe College to get their laughs on together ;)

16. I can't stand smacking

17. I crack up at women who are so granola that you could cornrow their stanky under arm pits

18. Although I not officially a midwife yet, I have already caught my first baby! I gotta give shouts out to a couple of people for that...Yahweh, Angelica, and her midwife that didn't believe me when I said the baby was coming. Statistics are just that...statistics

19. My dream is to live by the ocean, marina, river, shoot something with water so that I can sit and look into it daily

20. Dancing is the air I breathe after a long and crazy day! It took me 14yrs of start and stop extracurricular activities to realize that West African dance was my blessed skill. Unfortunately I think I have spawned the same streak in my eldest child too - she don't know what she wanna do either LOL

21. I am subconsciously a Black Power activist of sorts - could it be the Black Panther dogma that my dad always fed me?

22. During my senior year in high school I wrote the following in my Memory Book (where will I be in 10yrs): An OB/GYN, married to John, living near the water, and on my way to having 6 children. Words are powerful aren't they? I managed to accomplish all of these except the Dr part and that's only because I am going to be a midwife

23. I was Ms. Teen California in 1995

24. Massages and sweets make my toes curl

25. I attended the only high school in the nation with an entire African Studies Department which is why #21 came to fruition

Man how I love these things! It really helps you see yourself in all your glory in a brighter light.