They say misery loves company and lately I think this was written just for me.  I sometimes hate the person I've become. I often sit and remember how I was as a young woman...outgoing, laughing, driven, and at times uninhibited. But over the years I feel I've lost my way and allowed my presence to be choked by lifes obsticles. As women we try to deny the voices in our heads for the sake of others.  But at the end of the day, the fault is ours.  We have to be the captain of our own ship and not let others hold the stearing wheel.  I recognize my misery and must apologize to those who have suffered at the edge of my sword. There is no excuse for my actions...there is no joy in hurting others.

I'm still on the path to getting better and finding true peace. I pray for the courage to jump in and/or off. This year is about learning how to live.

Lemonade

As broke as I now am being unemployed, I had the nerve to continue our family plan to attend my cousins wedding this past weekend. Yep, I completely stepped out of my comfort zone. We ordered room service and just had a ball! I know you are probably saying, "what in the hell is wrong with you?!" Thats totally what I would say, but im implementing the "let go, let flow" mantra and practicing how to live in real faith. Faith that Yahweh hears my prayers and that His path for me will bring new light into my life.

The wedding almost brought me to tears. Primarily because it makes you reevaluate your relationship and recall why you got married in the first place. My man and I have been together for 17yrs and married 14yrs June 12. Damn saying that out loud is kinda crazy! We have made it through some REAL tough times and this era will be no different. So we are deciding to make lemonade with all the sour lemons we are being tossed right now.

Let Go, Let Yahweh

Why is "let go, let Yahweh" such an easy statment to say, but 1o times harder to actually DO? I mean how does one really do this while still maintaining your option to choose in life? I've have prayed and prayed for answers, but either I dont hear the answer or am ignorning it because Im afraid of the result. Tomorrow some sort of decision will be made because i cant take the constant obsessing over one small part of my life. I have SO much more ponder on and that which brings me so much joy.

Conscious: Ok, child who are you fooling? I mean if you know this why haven't you just made a choice?!

Self: Because damn it, Im scared! What if I make the wrong choice? I hate to be wrong? I like to be in control of it all.

Conscious: If you truely want direction you have to just let life happen and worry about the rest later

Self: tomorrow is the day

Careful

It's been a long while since I blogged. I actually have been contemplating deleting the whole thing entirely, but my other voice says "you started this to release all of your emotional baggage and stress remember?" So its bittersweet for real. I'm not one to openly voice my problems or like confrontation for that matter, so instead I write. I've been that way since I was a little girl. As an adult I'm not sure that I am comfortable with this outlet of expression. Most of my friends are openly out spoken and I admire them because they seem so free, but the people pleasing side of me can't stand the thought of hurting someone else for my own gratification. Wrong I'm sure?

My life is still very unsettled but I have many of the things I prayed for months ago and now I'm wondering is it worth it? I love my family, my babies, and at times i feel like I'm missing so much of them and I can tell its affecting them too. I just want balance back in my life. I can't discern if working nights, rotating shift, 12+hr shifts, sleeping all day to catch up, or bouncing my girls around from house to house is the problem. Or is it that I feel miserable the day I have to go into the hospital? I KNOW that I am a good nurse in that I give compassion, have patience, and converse with my patients, but the passion is greatly lacking. Passion is extremely important in order for me to do the things I do above thereby missing my family. Now I am faced with...do i apply for my masters now or wait another year? I'm a strong woman but hell I'm tired, I ain't even gonna lie. But one things for sure, working in a hospital long term is NOT for me. I feel boxed in, forced at times, and like a robot. I need autonomy, creativity, excitement, and a purpose. I hate to sound ungrateful in these trying times we live in because yes I am blessed. I would just LOVE to be blessed and be fulfilled at the same time LOL. I guess I am saying it would be wonderful to one day not HAVE to work for the sake of providing, but instead CHOOSE to work to the love of it all and the rest just come with it. Advice or comments would be great!

Blank Slate

Have you ever come to fork in the road of your life where it just seems like a blank canvas? So blank that its just whispering to you "come make me a masterpiece"? That's definitely where I am right now and it is painful, frustrating, melancholy, painful, mysterious, and exciting all together. But my soul feels horribly uneasy. In my heart I want so badly to make a contribution in this world but feel like chains are tying me down. Every day I am praying for guidance, but I am not sure my mind is even open to hearing the response. That's bad right? I've got to get it together for sure, but I have to start simple. I think I need to first deal with and except what is my reality and stop dreaming. But when you stop dreaming, you stop living...at least that's my thought. Dreams are not just unfulfilled missions, they are puffs of hope that keep us going. I never want to stop dreaming just because I took the less popular path at 32. Regrets are for the pessimistic. I want to live life and make it a masterpiece starting today.

Takin in the Sights

For some very strange reason, its EASY to disconnect from nature, life, and blessings when living in the desert. Well at least for me. Time becomes the predicting factor of how a day will begin and end. As the spring comes to us early, I found myself spending the weekend enjoying just that, while I probably should have taken in more book reading for school. But you know what...breathing life in is Yahweh's prescription for healing and rejuvenating ourselves. Nursing school is my goal and focus in life right now, but maintaining sanity is just as important.

This morning as I listen to India Arie's, "River", I think, breathe, smell, remember, and cry for my nephew Terrell. He is physically missing in this picture but he will always be in our hearts forever and forever. I love you baby! mwah!

I encourage everyone to smell a flower, take a walk with your babies at your busom, watch the stars at night, read a good book, or simply take a deep breathe. It is GOOD medicine.

Peace!

Four Corners Undone

Yesterday I realized that I am someone that lives and breathes in a box. You know, the four corners of life. That which unspokenly tells you the rules: how to eat, what to watch, where you can go, how to work in life, everything! I was reading my friends blog, who happens to be a midwife too, and got so inspired. She traveled over 20hrs with her 2yrs old via plane to another country JUST to deliver a baby! She is exposing her baby to another culture and world ALL while doing what she was called to do. Amazing! That is the kind of life I want as well, but how does she do it married and all?

Seeing her do her thang gave me inspiration to think outside the box inorder to reach my goals and aspirations. Thinking outside the box unleashes your creative side. As I slowly break down the four walls of imprisonment, I say the things that I want and shall do one day soon in my life:

1. Become a travel nurse/midwife internationally (Senegal, Ethiopia/Eritrea, Brazil, India, Cuba)
2. I have always dreamt of being midwife to the stars! (that would put midwives on the map now wouldnt it)
3. Purchase an old Victorian home and completely gut it out and remodel: HUGE dark chocolate brown jacuzzi tub, seperate dual head shower, a gorgeous kitchen with an island, chefs stovetop, a place for recycling, and a basement so I can create my get away room like Cliff did for Claire on The Cosby Show. I know that sounds material, but a home is where your heart is.
3. Send my middle child to a Performing Arts school
4. Work 2-3days a week to be a real full time mom to my children and let me husband experience reaching his dream for 2yrs like he is doing for me

I know these are not "wow factor" ideas but its a start for someone who always plays by the rules.