Careful

It's been a long while since I blogged. I actually have been contemplating deleting the whole thing entirely, but my other voice says "you started this to release all of your emotional baggage and stress remember?" So its bittersweet for real. I'm not one to openly voice my problems or like confrontation for that matter, so instead I write. I've been that way since I was a little girl. As an adult I'm not sure that I am comfortable with this outlet of expression. Most of my friends are openly out spoken and I admire them because they seem so free, but the people pleasing side of me can't stand the thought of hurting someone else for my own gratification. Wrong I'm sure?

My life is still very unsettled but I have many of the things I prayed for months ago and now I'm wondering is it worth it? I love my family, my babies, and at times i feel like I'm missing so much of them and I can tell its affecting them too. I just want balance back in my life. I can't discern if working nights, rotating shift, 12+hr shifts, sleeping all day to catch up, or bouncing my girls around from house to house is the problem. Or is it that I feel miserable the day I have to go into the hospital? I KNOW that I am a good nurse in that I give compassion, have patience, and converse with my patients, but the passion is greatly lacking. Passion is extremely important in order for me to do the things I do above thereby missing my family. Now I am faced with...do i apply for my masters now or wait another year? I'm a strong woman but hell I'm tired, I ain't even gonna lie. But one things for sure, working in a hospital long term is NOT for me. I feel boxed in, forced at times, and like a robot. I need autonomy, creativity, excitement, and a purpose. I hate to sound ungrateful in these trying times we live in because yes I am blessed. I would just LOVE to be blessed and be fulfilled at the same time LOL. I guess I am saying it would be wonderful to one day not HAVE to work for the sake of providing, but instead CHOOSE to work to the love of it all and the rest just come with it. Advice or comments would be great!