Dignity

Amidst everything that has been going on in my life lately, I have been trying my hardest to stay positive.  However, it still amazes me how the smallest thing can make you feel like the gum on the bottom of a shoe.  Today I had my follow up appointment with the OB and she said I need to take probiotics to get my vaginal house in order.  I explained to her that I am fully aware of that but simply cannot afford it.  She looks at me for a minute and says "well they aren't that expensive."  I can't think of the words to describe how I felt in that moment, but what immediately comes to mind is: crap, shit, statistic, poor, ashamed, hurt, broken, angry, and embarrassed.  I mean I am a 33yo mother, of soon to be 4 children, nurse, college grad, and yet I am in no position to provide for my family!!  Trying to save face I found myself once again recapping this whole medical leave debacle and how NOW there is only one income.  But what I really wanted to say was "that's easy to say for a working physician and tell that to my children who barely have food to eat or clothes on their backs these days!" 

Of course my situation is not her fault by any means, but the problem lies in the fact that so many health providers simply don't consider or can't understand the struggle that many women of color face day to day.  She was kind enough to provide the probiotics for me today, however, that followed up with "we will send you a bill for it in the mail".  Sure, go ahead and I will just add it to all of the others that continue to come in that I cannot pay.  Just 2 months ago, I lived a comfortable life - able to pay my bills, meet my childrens' needs, living within our means.  And in the blink of an eye, someone was able to steal that away from me.  Now I am pushed into a corner, living as a statistic having to consider government assistance and food boxes just so we can eat, not to mention how we will pay bills.