Cipher in ICU

Today was a good day. I learned more about myself and I am thankful for the blessing. I had my first patient pass away today and it brought along many mixed feelings. This woman died really quickly from cancer that metastisized to her abdomen. She was my patient yesterday and NEVER in a million years would I have thought she would turn around in less than 24hours. Interestingly enough, I had a vision or dream if you will about this woman. Something told me she was gonna get worse. Intuition right? I always remember my mentor midwives talking about this intuition and I really think I have that within me. I get it all the time with many things.

She was so uncomfortable...you could see the drift in her eyes. Struggling to breathe, gasping for air, a cloudiness to her eyes, you could tell she was doing everything in her power to hold on for her family. But then she took her final breathe and it was like I saw my nephew passing all over again. Everything resurfaced...all the emotions, all the doubt, all the hurt. But I knew she was finally at peace and could rest. I felt her families pain and wanted to give them my heart.

Death is never easy but it is a part of life...the cipher that keeps life going and I except it. Today she reminded me of the kind of nurse that I want to be. She will forever be in my heart and mind. RIP