Puzzled

Have you ever had a recurring dream, same theme? What does that mean? I know dreams are dreams, but I believe they have some very strong meaning. I just wish I had the understanding to figure this puzzle out.  There is a strong desire within. Any dream interpreters out there?

Random vent

Just gonna blurt out things that come to mind to release the monkey off my back:

Sick and tired, why me?, winning the lotto would make life easier but I don't play because the odds are not in my favor, sleepy, exhausted, not enough time in the day, wanna quit, wanna cry, this program, these folks, this system...all odds against my success, what's my talent, need guidance, spiritually lost and thristy, down in the delta movie, call the midwife movie, black midwives, granny midwives, their voice, my path, no support, failure, doubts, fears, am I good enough, need a bigger house, my children deserve the world, penny scarpping, get it together NOW

Shhhhh...

Just reading my most recent post, I'm like "DAMN I'm a good writer" lol.  I don't normally toot my own horn but geeze!  Its amazing how life takes little turns especially when you pray on it.  When we state our intentions or desires leaving it up the Creator to manifest is just awesome.

I haven't shared with many because I guess I'm secretly on a huge mission. I can't think of time that I just jumped into something, feeling a bit unsettled about the whole idea, but something in me just says "ehhh what the hell, what have to got to lose?"  Here I am, a licensed RN, applying for jobs since December and STILL nothing!  At times I feel like subconsciously I really don't want that life right now and maybe that is the reason why.  Also, it feels like my son needs me greatly - his attachment to me is strong and i love it.  All I want to do is cuddle him up and kiss on him, something I would be unable to do  working 12+hr shifts in the hospital at night.  But I also feel like now its time to start pulling away umbilical cord a little bit too.

I have applied for grad school to become a nurse-midwife and am now waiting on the answer.  Honestly, inside I'm not worried about the yes or no...I would be fine either way.  I am nervous about the thought of being a midwife or at least on the path.  This is a true testament to leadership and autonomy - life in your hands and your decisions.  I just pray that Yahweh continues to use me as the vessel to bring better birth outcomes into the world against any obstacles I might face.  More updates to come

Knife & Fork

Midwifery doesn't just come to you when you want it.  It "calls" you when you are ready to sample what it will soon offer.  But like any good tasting meal, you must start at the beginning before you reach the final part.  For me, I feel like I've gotten past the appetizer and the first course; but, now Im stuck somewhere in between like when you need to order but can't seem to make up your mind on what you want eat.  Going back and forth with my current place in life, Im beginning to understand.  After all my prayers, I think Yahweh is telling me Im not quite ready yet.  Though my heart is in it, my soul and spirit are not ready to take on the life and death of two others right now.  Im way to smoothered by my own unhappiness.  And like birth, you have to have a clear mind, body, and spirit before you can continuously give to others in such a sacred space.  So I pray, "Yahweh please grant me the ability to understand the path that I should take, give me the courage to make the choices that bring me peace, help me eliminate the fear in my life so I can allow my success to come in instead.  I want the 3rd course and even the desert, but I want it to come when my stomach is ready to except fullness and my pallate ready to taste the full bold flavors it has.

As you walk towards midwifery, or life for that matter, walk with your heart open, your hands free, and your soul unchained.  That is how you live life and not just exist in it.

They say misery loves company and lately I think this was written just for me.  I sometimes hate the person I've become. I often sit and remember how I was as a young woman...outgoing, laughing, driven, and at times uninhibited. But over the years I feel I've lost my way and allowed my presence to be choked by lifes obsticles. As women we try to deny the voices in our heads for the sake of others.  But at the end of the day, the fault is ours.  We have to be the captain of our own ship and not let others hold the stearing wheel.  I recognize my misery and must apologize to those who have suffered at the edge of my sword. There is no excuse for my actions...there is no joy in hurting others.

I'm still on the path to getting better and finding true peace. I pray for the courage to jump in and/or off. This year is about learning how to live.

1st of the New Year

Im bringing what I think may be the first Black woman birth circle to the desert! Im so excited!

Stay Tuned...

Here is just a peek of what is soon to come...